People talk about going through various seasons in your life and how they will eventually pass (which is true!) whether you want it to or not. The thing about grief is that it doesn’t pass until you join the one you’re missing. I am going through a season of grief, except this season will last the rest of my life. In the grand scheme of things my lifetime isn’t that long, but when you’re in the midst of it, it feels like an eternity. Thinking about the rest of your life without the child you love and fought so hard for is hard to grasp. There’s just something so unnatural about living without a piece of your heart.
I’ve never been a fan of winter. I hate the cold and lack of sunshine. This “season” of grief feels like I’m stuck in winter. Some days feel hopeless and dark, but occasionally the sun does shine. I know my grief won’t always feel exactly the same (it comes in waves and at times knocks you off your feet and drowns you). I know God has a plan in all of this; I know He has never left my side even as I walk through the darkest days; I know I will see my baby again. As the seasons pass I have fewer days that send me to the floor in tears, but it’s not because it doesn’t still hurt immensely. It’s because I’ve had to harden myself so as to not always feel all the pain that is ready to break out at any moment, and often without warning. I have learned to compartmentalize my feelings so that I can function and make it through another day without breaking down in public.
Grief sucks. It completely transforms who you are and redefines how you see the world.
You find that things that would annoy you before are “non issues”and not worth the time and things you could easily handle before become very overwhelming. I’ve made decisions that would shock the previous me!
As the seasons pass others expect you to be better and they look with anticipation when they ask how you’re doing, as if this time it’s going to be “great.” Someday might be a “great day” again, but it could be years before it feels that way. Until then I wait with anticipation and seek out the beauty God will bring out of the mess this world is. I’m not home yet.