Happy New Year?

It’s hard to see the happy in the year to come. I will be starting a new year without my baby girl, and I just don’t want to. Too bad I don’t really have a choice, life goes on and so must I. Looking back over 2017 overall I’d say it’s been the worst year of my life. It started out amazing with Addy turning 2 and me having more time to spend with her (I only worked two days a week). But May 21 is when that all came crashing down and my world has forever been changed.

I worked so hard to find all the doctors who saw value in her life and would fight for her with me, I found the best pediatric therapists who came 6 times a week to help Addy with her development, I found a job that allowed me to spend more time with her but still help us stay afloat, I developed a system for giving Addy a blended diet with very little support from her dietician…except I didn’t really do any of those things. I thought I was in control of so many things and that I had figured out how to juggle it all (pretty much on my own). But all of that gave me a false sense of security that I was in charge of what was going to happen. That doesn’t mean I didn’t give God any of the credit; I thanked Him every single night as I lay in bed listening to her breathe (or talk and laugh) until she fell asleep. I know God has always been in control, but when you take on so many things, at times you feel like you’re in it alone and you’re the one in charge of what’s going to happen next. I’m thankful Addayn’s death was not a surprise to God, even though it was for me. I can’t imagine living in a world where things take God by surprise. I know He can and will use this heartache.

As we enter 2018 I’ve decided to make some resolutions (I’ve never done that before!). My overall resolution is to be healthier. I want my relationship with God to continue to grow and be healthier than it ever has, I want to keep working on a healthy marriage, I will not commit to any weight loss but I will commit to running again (when it’s not freezing cold…I did 6 miles a few days before Christmas and the cold front came in) and eating healthier (that’s vague on purpose haha), and I need to be healthier mentally and emotionally (that’s where this blog comes into play…it will help me get things out that I need to) and by finding ways to serve others so I’m not focusing on my own grief all the time. Im not looking forward to a new year without my Addy Grace, but I am looking forward to seeing all God has in store for me this year.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Not sure what I’m doing

I’m an introvert. If you know me personally, this isn’t a big shock. I don’t talk much to those I don’t know well, and I prefer not being around crowds. As I’ve been facing this nightmare of figuring out how to keep living without my baby girl I’ve found that expressing how I’m feeling has been helpful. I’ve also found that I’m not good at writing in a journal (I’ve done it off and on since she died in May), but I can sure write some lengthy Facebook posts. Haha. So, instead of long drawn out posts that most people scroll past anyway, I’ve decided to write a blog. If nobody reads it, fine, but it will be an easier way for me to get out what I’ve been holding inside, and maybe help someone else experiencing the grief I am.

Grief is now a part of my daily life, but so is laughter. Grace is what keeps me moving forward in this world full of pain and heartache, knowing it will end. Lightning bugs are a reminder that we are all here for a short time and our goal should be to shine bright, to give hope when it feels hopeless. (A little explanation behind the seemingly random name for my blog).

As I enter into 2018 I will share how I’m surviving with a piece of me missing and hopefully share some beauty that I long to see rise from the ashes. God is good and His plans for me are perfect.