I’m starting to understand why people say year 2 is the hardest after a loved one dies. Lately I’ve been feeling stuck in my grief and no real desire to get unstuck. The first year was so hard but I also felt numb for a lot of it. I’m not numb this year. I find myself more often than not stopping myself from crying because I’m so tired of crying all the time. I’ve also found that stopping myself from crying leads to a build up that has to come out eventually.
Sunday was the day it started coming out again in full force. It was the 21st (Addy died on May 21) and it was also a Sunday (she died on a Sunday morning). Sundays are already hard but this past Sunday was a baptism celebration service…one more reminder of something Addalyn will never do. Not that it should even matter, she’s in heaven and being baptized isn’t what gets you there. But to this momma heart, it doesn’t make it easier. Since then tears have flowed easily and often.
At some point I will learn to accept grief is not something I will ever get past. I have to accept this is forever a part of my journey in life. If I don’t allow myself to cry when I need to, it makes it worse when it pushes its way out at the most inopportune moments. In a way I am stuck in grief because it’s not something I can escape, but the “stuck” I’m going through this time feels different. It feels like nobody cares or remembers that my heart is still shattered, while at the same time it feels like everyone knows and is looking at me as the “mom with a dead child.” It feels like a lump in my throat that doesn’t go away even after crying. It feels like the right words won’t come out (or any words) when I try to pray. It feels like jealousy of those who are happy. It feels like nothing will ultimately make this life suck less.
I know the things I should be doing that have helped me in the past but I don’t feel like doing them. I know when I’m running regularly and staying in the Word I feel the hope I have in Christ. Instead I find myself trying to change my surroundings with painting everything in sight. I love the changes, but it doesn’t make me feel any less stuck.
Thankfully, feelings are fleeting and I know I won’t always be stuck where I am right now. I will always grieve for Addalyn, but I won’t always feel stuck with no desire to get unstuck.
The hope I have in Christ isn’t about how I’m feeling. It’s about knowing he is my savior and he’s near me even when I don’t have the words to cry out to him. I know he loves me and I know it breaks his heart to see me hurting. I know grief isn’t something to get past or over, it’s something to journey through. I also know that while it might feel like an eternity of missing my baby girl, it won’t last for eternity. I will see her again and when I do there will be no more mourning or pain or feeling stuck. There will only be joy. Knowing what is to come is what gets me through the feelings of being stuck. It’s also what gives me my purpose in life. It’s not about me.