To My Addy Grace…

It’s been 4 years since I last held you and kissed you goodbye. Some days it feels like yesterday and others it feels like an eternity. I’ve started to feel like a broken record stuck on “I miss you” and “I love you” when really it goes so much deeper than how those words sound. Knowing you’re in heaven with Jesus takes away some of the sting but not all of it. The day you danced into heaven I didn’t think I would be able to keep living and breathing, the pain was so intense. But as the years have passed I’ve continued to going despite the days when I really didn’t want to.

You taught me so much about God and life in your 26 months and 11 days of life than I had learned my whole life before you came. The biggest thing you taught me was dependence on God and without that I wouldn’t be where I am now. I’m far from where I want to be but closer than I was. I learned to lean into God through the pain of giving you back to Him. I learned the best place to find healing is in His Word. I also learned that you can pray without saying a single word because some days there are no words, only tears. Your whole life you were helping point me back to God so that when it was time for you to go home I had a stronger foundation in Christ that would help me through the storm.

I think about what life would have been like with you still here sometimes but mostly I think about what you could be doing in heaven. I imagine heaven has the most amazing swing sets for you to swing as high as you want. You always loved it when daddy pushed you high in the swing. I picture you running free, which you were never able to do on earth. But most of the time I picture you greeting me in heaven eager to lead me to Jesus who is waiting with open arms. I long for heaven now in a way I never had before. I no longer feel the need to accomplish certain things here on earth before I die. I’m ready whenever the Lord is ready to bring me home.

I want you to know, baby girl, that I would have gone to the ends of the earth for you. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I love you more than words can say. I won’t tell you I wish you were back here with me because as much as I long to see and hold you again, I would never want to take you away from the glory that you’re surrounded by in heaven. It took me too long to come to that realization after finally asking God why He took you from me. I didn’t ask the question for so long because I didn’t want to know-no reason seemed good enough to take you from me. When I finally did ask I heard Him ask me “but would you want her back now?” Normally I would have quickly said “yes!” But instead I paused and thought about what that would mean for you and as hard as it was to say I had to say “no.” I’ve never heard God speak to me so clearly. He didn’t give me a reason why he took you home before I was ready but made me realize regardless of the reason you are where you are supposed to be and to take you away from heaven to bring you back to earth would be selfish. You are free from any pain and free from limitations. You are whole and perfect!

I’ll love you forever my Addy Grace and I’ll miss you until I see you again!