My heart is racing, I have that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach, and memories keep flashing through my mind. As much as I’ve moved through the grief of burying my baby girl almost 4 years ago and missing her ever since, my body doesn’t let me forget. The anniversary of Addalyn going home to be with Jesus is quickly approaching. I approach it slightly different each year hoping I can make it hurt less. I’ve always avoided social media for the month of May so I won’t see those “memories” of my posts leading up to her leaving me here and letting everyone know her healing took place in heaven. I find something to do in her memory each year on May 21st like planting flowers, giving gifts to others, etc. I don’t know what we will do on that day this year and honestly haven’t had as much time to think about it with two boys keeping me very preoccupied. Yet, with not thinking about the approaching date, my body reminds me it’s coming.
I’ve decided not to completely take a break from social media, but instead will continue limiting how much time I spend on it. I will avoid deliberately looking back at those posts and pray they don’t pop up on my feed, but I want to continue moving forward and not let my grief have control of what I do.
This year I’ve actually been looking forward to the month of May and have something to be excited about. Our littlest guy turns one this month! We didn’t get to meet him until July last year so this is the first May he will be in our lives (and hopefully many more to come). He is a fighter, determined to get what he wants, and is always in a great mood and full of smiles, no matter what life throws at him. I’m so looking forward to celebrating his birth and all he has overcome the past year!
Another thing we’ve never done before is take a break from real-life in May since it happened. We are planning a one-night mini vacation at the end of the month to spend time with friends I haven’t seen in a couple years and I’m looking forward to that too!
I guess you could say distraction is the plan for May this year. Focusing on other things to get through it. Too bad my body didn’t get the memo and wants to remind me it’s approaching. It’s funny how our bodies remember things and even if I didn’t have a calendar to tell me it’s the month of May my body would remember the trauma and give me signals of the approaching heaven date anniversary for my baby girl.
I’ve always wanted to just skip the month of May entirely since Addy died but for the first time I don’t want to. I could do without my body reminding me but I’m looking forward to all the fun we have planned and maybe this year we will try to celebrate the day she got to go to heaven. After all, that’s the best day ever, when you get to meet your savior face to face. It doesn’t make me miss her less but it definitely takes away the sting.
O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting? -1 Corinthians 15:56