As birthdays approach I find myself feeling nervous. For Addy it was because we knew her time with us would be limited and we didn’t know if she would make it to her next birthday. We celebrated half birthdays for her as well as her actual birthday. We celebrated our baby girl’s birth 4 times and then she was gone. When we celebrated her second birthday I didn’t really think she would be gone before her third birthday. She was doing so well and gave us no reason to think she wouldn’t keep thriving. Yet only two months and eleven days later I held her as she took her last breaths on earth. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. I was supposed to take my baby girl home to keep celebrating more birthdays. I wasn’t supposed to have to bury my two year old. This wasn’t part of my plan. But God…He can turn any heartache and pain into something beautiful. That doesn’t mean the pain goes away but it does give purpose to the pain.
Tomorrow my Everett turns two and it leaves me with mixed feelings. I’m excited that he is getting bigger (I know, not the typical mom feeling) and I’m also nervous that he’s turning two. He will be the age Addy was when she died. Watching my baby boy grow up is so fun (and exhausting). It’s all I wanted for Addy-to watch her grow up. Nobody is guaranteed tomorrow but there’s something about this age. Will I have a child that lives past the age of two? Am I going to be extra nervous this whole year of his twos? Is there anything I should be doing to prevent him from dying too? Obviously these are irrational fears but that’s what happens when you live the unimaginable. It’s not that I live in constant fear but they definitely sneak in from time to time and I have to work to fight it back.
I haven’t found the answer for how to stop those fears from creeping in. I haven’t figured out how to not get nervous about what the future holds. I have found that calling it what it is and going to what I know is true has helped. I know God told us we would face struggles and pain in this world. I just wish sometimes it would let up. But since that isn’t going to happen it gives me more reason to live in anticipation of being with my savior where heartache and pain are no more.
Tomorrow I will do my best to focus on the day and my big boy growing up into the silliest, most fun-loving, dancing like no one is watching, strong-willed, best hugger, crazy, sweet guy. He’s going to do great things with all God has given him!