Tomorrow is Easter (the third one without Addalyn here) and the reason I don’t grieve for my baby as those who have no hope grieve. Don’t get me wrong, I grieve my baby, I miss her like crazy and think about her every single day, but I know how this all ends. I know she is with Jesus. I know she is free from the pain of this world and is praising our savior. I know I will be reunited with her one day, when my time here is finished. Since she ran ahead to heaven I long for heaven, as I should have been all along. Something about her being there has made it more real to me.
Easter has become a more emotional time of year for me for many reasons. First and foremost it’s because of what Jesus did on that cross and His resurrection that gives me the hope I have and reassures me that I will see my baby girl again. Throughout the year I often think about how Jesus pleaded with God to let this cup pass from him if at all possible. He did not want to suffer and die if there was any other way. But, in the end He willingly accepted the will of God. I know the feeling of crying out to God pleading for the pain to stop. Begging for their to be another way for His plans to be fulfilled. I also understand the acceptance that follows and accompanies the pain. I have accepted His plans for my life and for Addy’s. It doesn’t mean I understand them but I’ve accepted and desire to follow His will. Another aspect I’ve thought on often is how much God loves His son and even though he knew how it all would end I imagine the pain was still great. The most frequent aspect of Easter that I think about is Mary’s perspective. As a mom who has watched her child die I often imagine her pain as she watched Jesus suffer and die. But, the whole point of this holiday and the reason we even call it “Good Friday” is because what follows. Death could not hold Him. My Savior conquered the grave! He is the reason I have hope and the reason I long for heaven.
There are few things I remember during the first few days after Addy died but I do remember knowing exactly what I wanted her to be buried in. She is wearing her Easter dress from her last Easter here on earth. I couldn’t think of anything more fitting than what she wore to celebrate our savior’s resurrection. As we enter into another Easter celebration I consider what Jesus did on the cross and how He defeated death, and I also think of my sweet girl entering heaven and the arms of Jesus. I picture her running to Him and when I arrive I imagine her being there excited to take my hand and lead me to Him. I don’t know what it will really be like but it’s how I like to envision it. And though I often fall short of being the person I try to be for God I hope he welcomes me with a “well done my good and faithful servant.”