I don’t know if you could really call it the blues…burying your child hurts so much more than just having the blues. The holidays brings it all up to the surface even more. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t miss my girl but when the holidays approach, it’s all about spending time with family and those you love and I don’t have my daughter, one of my loved ones, here with me. We skipped Christmas the first one without her and last year I decided I needed to drag everything out and decorate, as much as I didn’t want to. We knew we were still going to grow our family and future children deserve to have Christmas so I did it and embraced all holiday things as best I could. Getting the phone call about our son being born right before Christmas definitely made it more merry than it would have been. And I’m so glad I did decorate since it ended up being his first Christmas.
This is our third Christmas without Addalyn and it’s our second with Everett (although last year he was only two weeks old so he doesn’t remember a thing). I actually mustered up some excitement this year about Christmas. When you have a crazy guy running around the house eager to tear everything apart it’s nice to have a day when he’s actually allowed to tear some things. Ive been looking forward to watching him open presents. However, this Christmas is NOT living up to my expectations. I don’t know why I would be surprised or disappointed. So few things in life go as expected. Everett has a fever (again-he was sick over Thanksgiving as well) that won’t go away and is keeping us from spending time with family. He is also super cranky and yell-y about everything. He’s definitely put a damper on my “Christmas spirit.” Doesn’t he know we’re supposed to be JOLLY and not scream at, hit, or push our mom? He’s a mean baby when he’s sick.
This afternoon I actually thought about it…the first Christmas wasn’t what was expected either. Our savior came down to earth and was born in less than ideal circumstances. So, why do I feel so bummed about not getting to see my family (outside of the three of us) when we are at least in a comfortable home? We will have presents for Everett whether he feels like opening them or not, we will eat yummy food (Rett might not-he’s not eating very well), and the three of us will be together. I think the reason comes down to being human and feeling disappointment. It also isn’t really just about him being sick and missing family time but more so about Addy not being here at all. I miss her so desperately it still hurts, and my ideal plans would be her not having run ahead to heaven but rather being with us for Christmas, the four of us together.
I’m trying to move past feeling sorry for myself right now but it’s so hard. I’ve offered encouragement to some who are about to have their first Christmas without their child. I remember the first one and how numb and in agony you feel. Time does not heal this pain but it does eventually allow you to function as you learn how to keep living without your child and figure out what your heart can handle you doing. Eventually you get to a point where you can offer encouragement and advice to those just starting this journey. But when the holidays come around it gets harder again to get past the “unfairness” of it. I do hope everyone has a merry Christmas (to whatever degree you can) and I know I will enjoy time with my guys in the comfort of our home. But for right now the holiday blues have me down, longing for a hug from my baby girl. I can only imagine how amazing a celebration of Christmas must be in heaven. I wouldn’t dream of taking my baby girl back from the splendor and wholeness she is experiencing in heaven. Until I join her I will continue to try and be in good spirits for my family, who is still here. I don’t want Everett to look back on the holidays as he gets older and remember how cranky mommy always was. So, I’m working on being joyful through the disappointments and not making it worse for those who are around me.