I often wonder what kind of mom I’d be now if Addalyn was still here. If I had not experienced that horrible night when I held her for the last time on earth, would I have the same worries and fears that I have now? Would I have been the mom who puts a pulse-ox monitor on her healthy baby? Would I lie awake as often as I do just watching him sleep on the video monitor? Would I worry that every sickness will result in a hospital stay? I know every mom worries about her children. You worry about almost every decision you make for your child and wonder if it was the right one. Some may even share my more recent fear-is my son going to live until his first birthday? There’s no rational reason to think he wouldn’t, but after you burry a child, death becomes more of a reality.
I can reference the scripture that talks about not worrying or about having faith, but that doesn’t take all worries away. The Bible isn’t a magic pill that suddenly makes you not think about what could go wrong in life. Obviously, it’s not healthy to dwell on it, but you can’t always stop a thought from popping in your head and the instantaneous stomach ache that ensues.
I’ve learned over the past several years that faith doesn’t make life easy, the Bible doesn’t say struggles will vanish, and God doesn’t expect me to do everything perfectly. My faith helps me realize that no matter how many things go “wrong” in my life (according to me), God can redeem it and bring beauty from ashes. The Bible tells me I’m not alone. Others have gone before me and have suffered in similar and worse ways (need I mention Job?) and are an example of continuing to trust God through the worst parts. God doesn’t expect me to have all the answers and to know exactly how to control every thought that enters my mind. Instead, He’s by my side picking me up off the floor and redirecting me. I do need to recognize what causes me to go there in my mind and make changes to try and stop it, even though I won’t always be successful. For me, keeping it bottled up inside allows fear to have its grip on me. So instead of continuing to walk around with the fear of my son dying, I’m sharing my fear and I’m telling fear he is a liar. And since songs are my love language, I’ll end with part of the lyrics to “Fear is a Liar” by Zach Williams.
“Fear, he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
‘Cause fear he is a liar”
If you need me, I’ll be busy on Pinterest planning my 8 month old’s first birthday party…it will be amazing, just like Addy’s parties always were!