Back to school

It’s that time of year again, when all the first day of school pictures start showing up in your news feed. All I think about each time I see them is how I should be getting ready to send Addalyn to her second year of preschool. I should be buying her new school clothes and supplies. I should be counting down the days left of summer with my baby girl until she goes back to school. Instead, we took her some new flowers and a new pin wheel to put on her grave.

This is one of those things in life that doesn’t get easier with time. You never get over outliving your child. I’ve learned to live with the pain and push it aside when I need to get things done, but it’s never gone. Time keeps going and so must I. Fewer days send me to the floor but I also haven’t figured out all the things that will send me there. I recently discovered her favorite show (Maya the Bee) is no longer on Netflix. I wanted that familiar sound and I couldn’t have it. That wasn’t one I was expecting to be so hard, but it was. Sometimes it can be the little things that hurt the most. I am so thankful for our baby boy and all of his noises that fill our house, but I still deeply miss her sounds that once filled it. I even miss the sound of her feeding pump (which if you are familiar with-you’d never think you’d miss that sound).

The day she left us here, our lives were forever changed. All the hopes and dreams we had for her went as quickly as she did. Life is so short and fragile. I pray I always remember how precious the time is that I have with everyone I love and never take it for granted.

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