No First Day of School

I can’t stop thinking about what tomorrow would have been like. It would have been Addy’s first day of preschool with her bff, Emma. So many pictures would have been taken. She would be wearing the perfect outfit and bow, ready to meet her new teacher and friends. I was looking forward to this day before she died; her teacher already knew all about her and was looking forward to her being in her class (her bff told her all about Addy). But now, tomorrow is just another day that I miss my baby girl so incredibly much.

Once you make it through the first year after your child’s death you begin to think you’ve at least made it through all the firsts…but there’s always more. And why do we think that if we just make it through the firsts it will be alright? I suppose at some point we will just get used to her not being here, but I can’t imagine that ever happening. Every holiday or event just reminds me of what it could have been like if she was still here. I wish we could be getting her ready for her first day of school tomorrow, and stay up late talking and laughing about it, in true Addy fashion. Instead I will probably struggle to sleep and go to my second week back to school, teaching. I’ll put on a smile and try my best to be joyful while I grieve not getting a first day of school with my big girl.