Emotional Rollercoaster

We celebrated Addalyn’s 3rd birthday (first in heaven) this month with a 5k for Hope for Trisomy. This month is also Trisomy Awareness Month. A daily reminder (as if I needed that) that my baby girl isn’t here. I’m inundated by extra pics of Trisomy kids that are living this month and “beating the odds” and I so wish I was on that side of it still. I’ve connected with lots of new Trisomy moms because of Hope for Trisomy and have been able to help them in the first days of receiving a diagnosis, while still pregnant. I absolutely love talking to them and helping them get connected to other families, find resources, and locate doctors that are willing to help, but I also hate that I’m doing it from the experience of a mom who has buried her child. I want to be able to tell them that Addy just turned 3 and is doing amazing, but instead I share that she died at 26 months, which is still more hope than their doctors give, I just wish I could give more hope that their child will in fact live and thrive and that their child will be one of the ones to make it past that first year and beyond. But, the reality is that so many things can go wrong and take their baby from them, despite having doctors eager to help.

We’ve also decided to take the plunge into adoption this month. We were planning to foster to adopt before Addy died, but we’ve decided that will be too hard for our hearts at this point. I still want to do it, but I want to do it when I have a child at home that can’t be taken back to give to their family (because that’s what foster care is really about-giving parents time to get their act together so they can care for their own child). We did fertility treatments before deciding on this route, to see if having a biological child would be possible (using a donor since Jay is a carrier for T18), but after 4 attempts at IUI and IVF we’ve realized my body is done and we spent so much money that could have gone towards an adoption. But, I’m glad we tried, so I will never have those “what if” thoughts about it later. It’s hard to accept that I won’t get to be pregnant again or ever experience my child growing in me, but we have accepted that God’s plans for us are not always what we try to plan. While it’s upsetting, I also remember how sick I was almost the entire pregnancy with Addy and the fact that my c-section scar will always be a reminder of her only.

“You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.” Proverbs 19:21

I’m super excited about adopting and Addalyn still becoming a big sister. I’m looking forward to the day when there are the sounds of a child in our home again. With that also comes the daunting task of getting all the money we need together. It’s not cheap to adopt, but we’re committed and are praying for God to provide.

So, to say the past couple months have been an emotional rollercoaster is a drastic understatement. So many things to be excited about and so many things that bring me down too. It’s hard to find that balance and not be on an emotional high or low. But, I think this is just how life is going to be now. No matter how excited or what good may come, there’s always that deep sadness and heartache that comes along with it.

We so appreciate prayers as we embark on the adoption journey and as the one year of Addy’s death approaches (May 21).

If you would like to contribute to helping us bring another child into our family, we have a fundraising site that you can donate to. Www.youcaring/froehnerfour