Some days I feel like I’m the only one who has struggle after struggle going on in my life. I know the devil likes to make me feel like I’m alone…and to be honest, he wins more than I’d like to admit.
My first blow of isolation came when Addy died and I had to bury my only child. The next one came about a month later when I found out I had nodules on my vocal cord and one vocal cord paralyzed- I was told it could be a tumor (after an MRI we found that it wasn’t s tumor causing it at least). The next blow was after I got a cyst on my ovary and after doing blood work found I will go through an early menopause (I’m 34). The most recent blow we found out today. Most people don’t know this, but before Addy died we were about to have a home study to foster to adopt, but after she died decided to put that off for now. We were going to attempt to conceive through fertility treatments (Jay is a carrier for Trisomy 18), using a donor. After multiple inseminations failed and failed IVF we have realized that we can’t keep throwing money away for something my body doesn’t want to accept. My body does not want to conceive as much as we long for another child, and my AMH (egg production) continues to decrease even with fertility med injections. I walk by Addy’s empty bedroom and an empty baby room every single day (it’s been ready for a baby brother or sister since before Addy died).
I know I’m not alone in my struggles. Infertility is something that lots of people go through and I am friends with many people who have buried their child. But, sometimes I just want to have my pity party and cry about how unfair life is and how it sucks that it’s so hard for us, while so many others have it easier. Every child’s birthday celebration and pregnancy announcement is a stab to my soul. I don’t know how to be happy for others when they have what I don’t have (and may never have). I don’t want to be bitter about others getting pregnant without even trying. I want to be happy for others celebrating their child’s birthday. But right now I don’t know how to be. Right now I need to have my pity party. I also need to fight Satan telling me I’m alone and nobody knows or cares about what I’m feeling.
I don’t know what the future holds for us, but I do know I have to actively fight the lies the devil feeds me on a regular basis.
“So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw close to God, and God will draw close to you.” James 4:8
If you read this far, please pray for my acceptance of the path God has put me on and to find ways to glorify Him in all our circumstances. I don’t want to stay in my pity parties. I want to move past them and keep living the life God intended for me with a joyful heart.