As time passes it feels like others have forgotten about my Addy Grace. Sure, she is mentioned from time to time but usually only if I bring her up. I know people have busy lives and the world keeps turning, but when all you have left of your child is memories, you desperately want others to remember and talk about her. I could talk about her all the time and look at her pictures or watch videos of her nonstop, but at some point I do have to keep living as well.
I hate that I have to keep going and doing the “normal” everyday things without her. They don’t feel normal anymore; they feel empty and pointless most of the time. My house is a mess most of the time, more so than it was when Addy was here. You would think with more time you could stay on top of the cleaning and cooking, but it’s harder to do those things now than it ever had been. Many days I just feel numb to everything because if I let myself really feel, I couldn’t make it through the day. I would be back on the floor crying nonstop, not eating again, and having no strength to stand without help again. I don’t want to always feel this way. I want to be able to laugh at the memories with Addy more than I cry about how much I miss her and how much I want to feel her little arms around my neck. People who don’t know will tell you time will heal, but those who know tell you they’re sorry and that you will learn to live with this pain and that the crying will one day not be as frequent.
I so badly want to be able to say that my joy is found in the Lord and that despite burying my only child, I’m still joyful. But as of now, I can’t say that. Right now any little thing not going how I want can turn my world upside down. I can be doing great with eating right, running regularly, and doing my daily devotional, and then something happens and I go into self-sabotage mode. I sit on the couch eating candy, I don’t run, and I skip my devotional and by the end of the week I feel even worse. The hardest part is getting myself back out of it. I managed this week to get back to running (twice at least) and have only missed one day with my devotional, but I haven’t gotten the not eating candy and junk part down again. I hate that the smallest hitch can effect me like that. I hate that I’m essentially throwing a tantrum over life not going my way. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I never laugh, if you’ve been with me through this crappy journey (and before) you know laughter is a part of my everyday. It’s just not the same joy behind the laughter like it used to be.
If you managed to read this far, please pray for me to find my joy in the Lord and not in my circumstances. Because this life will always disappoint and the only thing that is sure is that God is with me and he mourns with those who mourn, but He is also the reason I should have joy in knowing this life isn’t all there is for me. He sacrificed more than I have so that I won’t face eternal separation and darkness.
I want the joy of the Lord to be my strength, and until then I will keep trying to lean on Him and not on my own understanding of this broken world.