Im thankful that I’m not expected to be able to handle it all in life. If I was able, there would be no need for God to help me through.
Everyone handles grief differently. I try to cry in private; I don’t even cry in front of my husband that often. He will want to try to fix it, but he can’t, and I don’t want him to feel bad that he can’t make it better. I don’t like falling apart in front of others all the time, but believe me I have many times since Addy died. I’ve always been an “I got this” person. I take care of what needs to be done and I don’t count on others to do things for me. While it’s great to have others to help you through, they will at some point let you down. The only one you can truly rely on when it is all too much to handle, is God.
When this world becomes too much to handle I often find myself on the ground; crying out to God to give me the strength to get back up again, because when you’ve buried your child, getting up is the last thing you want to do. I’ve noticed that people who don’t know the pain like to tell you time will heal, but those who have been through it know that time doesn’t heal. You learn to live with this limp and you learn to hide it as you walk through the rest of your life. I don’t like being told that I’m strong and brave (I’m not mad or upset if you told me this); it’s just not the truth. I’m not brave. I’m not strong. I’m doing what everyone has to do…take the next step. If you were in my shoes you would do the same. You would put on a face for going out in public and save most of your falling apart for at home. God is my strength and without Him I would be nothing and would probably stay on the floor more often.
Every time I find myself on the floor crying out to God, He always comes through. He reminds me that He is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18), He was a man of sorrow and acquainted with grief too (Isaiah 53:3), the spirit helps us in our weakness when we don’t know what to pray for by interceding for us through wordless groans (Romans 8:26), and He will never leave me or abandon me (Hebrews 13:5). He helps me get off the floor again and again with a peace that’s unexplainable. That doesn’t mean I no longer hurt, but He comforts me in my pain. He walks beside me and holds me up when I can’t do it myself.
I don’t just hope I will see Addy again. I have a hope that isn’t a wish for what I want but a confidence in what I know will come. I can’t wait until the day I get to see Addy again and I fall to my knees for a different reason. On that day I will fall to my knees out of joy and worship, not out of pain and sorrow.